After I Pass On

            We attended a family gathering over Thanksgiving to honor the life of a member who recently passed. Over thirty people came, all family or adopted family. The overall tenor was calm, relaxed, gentle, peaceful. A few tempers arose but were quickly settled.

            There was food to share, games to play, a slide show to watch and caroling. My grandkids entertained us playing Christmas songs, not all in tune. It made no difference as they were sharing.

             Mass was held during which the chorister invited two of my grandchildren, one playing the viola, the other the trumpet, to accompany him. I got to sing as well as another of my grandchildren.

            The mood was solemn, respectful as we sat out on the deck in 69 degree temperatures! Much warmer than at home.

            At the conclusion of the service, my SIL invited everyone to share a good memory they had of her husband. The comments ranged from teaching kids to be safe on the water, his enthusiasm for nature, and his love of his wife. I shared that his ability to recall and discuss practically everything he read, was amazing.

            When my turn comes, I might like something similar. A gathering of friends and family who come together to share food, games, music and stories. A Mass would be center. And I’d love it if some of my choir members would sing my favorite church hymns.

            I don’t want anything huge or ornate. A simple ceremony would suffice.

I’m not planning on leaving soon. I wouldn’t have undergone surgery if I expected to die right away. But you never know. A bus could ram into my car on the way to the gym. A sudden stroke could fell me in my sleep (I like the idea of dying in my sleep!)

That doesn’t mean that I can’t think about how I’d like the gathering to be. The one I just attended would be a great beginning.

How would you like to be memorialized?

Roses

Explore with me the rows and rows of roses.

Their faces turned toward the sun

Blossoms so tiny you could cradle the entire

Bush in the palm of your hand.

Others the size of dinner plates,

So heavy the stalks bend,

Turning their centers toward the ground.

Life-giving ground.

Nutrients galore.

Water drawn out of hidden wells.

Come with me to visit the roses

The shy ones, colors so feint it’s hard to

Distinguish where one ends and the next begins.

The vibrant ones

That scream, look at me, look at me,

And you do.

They have wonderful stories,

The ancient ones, the ones whose roots

Go back millennium.

I want to sit at their feet and listen.

Listen to tales of woe, of joy,

Of growth, of success

Allow them to fill my soul with joy.

An ever-abundant happiness

That will last for weeks, months, years.

They aren’t modest at all.

They flash their colors to the world

Inviting all to stop, stare, breathe in their heady scent.

Roses follow the sun. Opening at dawn,

Closing at sunset, rejoicing during the day.

I want to emulate them. Perhaps I do.

Questions and Considerations

Does breath crystalize and fertilize the earth?

Is the soul really tender, breakable?

Or is it strong, strong like iron,

Able to withstand hurt?

Why do lambs cry all the time?

Why do they need the company of others

More than life itself?

Why aren’t humans like them?

Why do we move through life

Cherishing independence, reveling in the ability

To stand on one’s own two feet

Without once, just once, needing

The help of others?

Why do white swans choose the company of other white swans?

Shouldn’t a black one be equally attractive?

Or perhaps more so because of its difference?

Or is there something inside that moves one to select

Ones like itself?

What does that mean for humans?

If anything?

Why do hummingbirds’ wings beat so fast?

Is it out of fear?

Self-reliance?

Or simply because that’s the way things are meant to be?

Why do bears hibernate?

Is it the call of winter?

Something in the air tells them to hunker up,

To settle down before snows fall?

Or is it a need for deep sleep?

Why don’t people do the same?

Close windows and doors

Pull up the comforters

Turn up the heater

Stock up the cabinets

And not go outside for months?

Is it because bears are comfortable in their hides

While people need to lean on others?

People must feel, touch, hold

Cherish, react, love

While bears intrinsically know

That they are okay.

What about stones, tiny and large

Who sit alone along paths.

Do they feel alone?

Do they yearn for the weight of their kind?

Do they fear floating off into space

Unless something grounds them?

While butterflies flight about,

Seemingly without care or direction

Here, there, everywhere on a whim

Lighter than air

Stronger than a breeze

Able to withstand storms

That might send stones tumbling downhill.

So many unanswered questions

So many unanswerable questions

That change nothing

That influence nothing

Not even the beating of my heart.

Alternate Kingdoms

Consider, no acknowledge,

That there are alternate kingdoms.

The planets come to mind.

Swirling masses of rack and glass

Floating around us

None have been identified as hosting life

Yet there could be

Could have been

Creatures crawling, flying, digging

Multiplying, colonizing

Creating kingdoms of their own

Wriggling in the waters swirling

Below in lakes and streams and creeks

A variety of beings build homes

Reproduce

Celebrating love and life and family

Much as humans do,

But in their words, their thoughts,

Their beliefs.

Flowers and bushes and trees

Send their spores into the void

Populating unoccupied spaces

With vibrant hues of greens, browns,

Reds, ochres

Which then become homes for others

Usually not by choice,

But needed, necessary to foster

New lives, new families, new clusters.

Creeping, crawling, walking, stomping

Through it all are beings with legs

Or no legs

Wings or no wings

Breathing air, inhaling pollutants

That humans have created,

Thinking only of themselves

Their needs, their desires,

Of only what they perceive their lives should be

The world, the kingdom, expands and contracts,

Breathing its own rhythm

Pulsing life-giving blood and fluids

Across the lands, skies, waters

Sharing common space without consideration

For impact, for change, for unwanted influence

On other lives

On other kingdoms

Heart Pain

Her life with us was short,

Only three years

Her golden years.

She followed us around,

Slept on our laps,

Begged for food and love.

But she hurt.

Day and night she cried

In pain.

So hard to hear,

Knowing there was nothing I could do

Except love her and comfort her.

A time comes to say goodbye.

Unfortunately I wasn’t prepared.

Not after only three years!

She was twelve when we adopted her,

Already a senior cat.

But, oh so sweet!

Kind. Patient. Loving.

Fun to watch when the zoomies

Sent her flying all over the house.

Demanding when she expected food.

Loved her treats!

Noon every day we had to give her something special.

It’s just been minutes,

But already the house feels empty.

My heart will heal.

I will adopt another senior cat.

But until then, I will mourn.

Goodbye, Bingo!

A Halloween Memory

            The only part of Halloween that I ever liked was the endless pursuit of free candy. From the time my brother and I were in middle school in rural Ohio, we roamed miles from home. We walked on streets whose names I never knew, knocking on the doors of anyone with lights still on. It took us hours, and at times our pillow case sacks were so heavy that we had no option but to go home, empty them out, then head out again.

            I hated wearing costumes. Perhaps because I wore glasses, masks blocked my sight. I detested makeup and most of all, despised trying to come up with something to wear that could become a costume. My fallback was that of a hobo as all I had to do to play the part was put on my well-worn overalls.

            When I was thirteen my middle school decided that for Halloween, all students had to dress in costume. I immediately panicked. It was bad enough to traverse my neighborhood under cover of darkness, but now I would have to parade about campus under the horrific glare of fluorescent lights.

            I stewed over this for days.

I was a painfully shy, the girl who never raised her hand to ask or answer questions. I slithered down in my desk seat, my nose skimming the top of my desk, believing that if I couldn’t see the teacher, she couldn’t see me.

Dressing up at school had the potential to sink me even lower on the social scale, especially if I appeared in an unpopular or outmoded costume.

            When the day arrived, the only thing I could come up with was my mother’s WAC (Women’s Army Corp) uniform from World War II. It fit a bit snug, but I figured I could tolerate anything for the length of the festivities.

            In the morning I squeezed into the uniform, then trudged off to the bus stop. I was used to belittling looks, so the shrugs and smirks had little impact.

However, what seemed like a good idea in the morning, quickly became a terrifying experience at school.

            My teacher, thrilled to see the old uniform, made me stand in front of the class and share my mother’s story. Unfortunately, I knew little about her service.

I did know that she enlisted because her family was poor. She chose the WACs because her older brother was in the Army. Because of the few black-and-white photos she shared, she was stationed in Florida where she learned to work on trucks.

            I figured that when my presentation time was done, I could return to my desk. Not so. My teacher was so excited about the old uniform that she sent me up and down the hall, into every single classroom, upstairs and down.

I was so terrified that I squeaked out only a few words and wouldn’t have even got them out if it weren’t for the prompting of every teacher, in every classroom.

As the day progressed, the uniform got tighter, And the heavy wool brought out as much sweat as a humid summer day. Perspiration pooled under my arms and down my face. It soaked the collar and the waistband of the skirt.

When lunch came, I was allowed to change clothes.

            It was such a horrible experience that I did not go out trick-or-treating that night and for several years after.

     Ode to Food

Food, glorious food!

Sumptuous tastes of

Slowly roasted beef

Drowned in onions

Covered in gravy

Potatoes gently

Browned, sprinkled

With parsley and chives

Arranged in spirals in

Delicate designs

Green beans bathing in

Mushroom sauce, topped

With fried onions

Or drenched with butter

Stacked like lucky logs

Delightful desserts

Sugary cookies

Mouth melting cakes

Devilish custards

Compelling desire

More, much more, awaiting

Consumption by

Mere mortals yearning

To taste the nectar

Of the golden gods

Food, glorious food!  

I Look at You

Every morning, I sit across from you, staring at the doughnut crumbs clinging to the corners of your lips. Or stuck to your chin. Or pasted to your blue tie (it’s always a blue tie!)

I wonder why your parents didn’t teach you proper use of a napkin. Or personal hygiene. For it’s not just the crumbs, but the shiny hair (what’s left of it), that stinks up the small meeting room. (I can smell you from here!)

And the moldy smell of damp clothes left to rot in the washing machine for days on end.

Fortunately, I can look out the window behind your back, something I do in order to avoid your moonstruck eyes as you stare at me, a woman old enough to be your grandmother.

There’s nothing appealing about you. Nothing that would entice me to spend time with you outside of the daily meeting. Nothing that would inspire me to sit next to you during lunch or walk down the hall with you as we return to our various cubicles.

I stare out the window, entranced by the clouds like matted white fur that race by. They remind me of the stray cat that wandered into my garage too many years ago to count. The poor thing looked like an alien: it’s luminescent green eyes summoned images of space invaders staring into human residences.

I’d scooped it up in a towel and carried it inside the house. Using a damp cloth I’d removed some of the filth- but then the cat wriggled away before the job was complete.

A trip to the vet helped. The technician sprayed the cat with something…not sure what…and then combed and combed and combed.

After an examination, I learned that it was female. Fluffy seemed like an appropriate name. Now that she was clean, she was a ball of white fur.

The boss says something that draws me back to the meeting. Something about reports and accounting mistakes that I care nothing about. You guffaw even though no one else does. I look, because it’s too compelling not to, to discover that you’ve got white fur clinging to your black suit jacket.

I know you’ve got a dog, because you’ve bored us all with too many photos of the thing. It’s a miniature something. One of those long-haired things with four-inch legs and eyes buried beneath layer upon layer of fur. Rover. That’s its name. Weird choice since there’s nothing roverish about it.

I tried to like you after seeing how much you cared about the dog. After all, a huge, burly man cuddling a tiny dog does something to the heart. But I can’t get past the daily crumbs and the filthy hair and the disgusting smell.

I sit here, across from you. day after day, assaulted by your stench.

Stones

I bent over to pick up a small, pink stone

It glittered in the early morning sun,

Speaking a sunrises and sunsets,

 A baby’s scalp after a bath

The underbelly of my cat.

I slipped it into my jacket pocket

It’s weight negligible

At the crest of a hill a striated rock caught my attention.

The dark lines, close to the purple of my bedspread,

Seemed darkly ominous

But I didn’t know why.

A stone cannot harm me unless tossed in my face.

It bears no ill-will and harbors no grudges.

Yet if frightened me so much so that I hurried away.

At the bottom of a lake a cluster of green stones called my name.

They were quite lovely, speaking of life and growth and wealth

And health and all things good.

I yearned to take just one.

But if I did, would the pile change?

Would it no longer speak to the next passerby?

I sat on a fallen log, weighing whether or not to slip

The smallest one into my pocket.

Until a scrub jay warned me.

At the top of the mountain, I crossed a plane

Of striated rocks.

What caused the unusual markings?

Fire? Rain? Snow? Glaciers?

Perhaps all four.

I had to touch the smooth surface,

Wanting to know, to understand,

How they came to be.

I closed my eyes, raised my head toward the sky

And listened.

For what I did not know.

I stood there for what seemed like a long time.

When no voice filled my ears, I shook off the feeling

Of foreboding that had come over me.

These rocks, this hill, offered only a sense of

Ill will.

I shouldered my pack and retraced my steps.

Just as I closed my car door, lightning lit up the sky

And thunder roared all around me

As I rubbed the two little stones

Nestled in the warmth of my coat.

Roses

My mother loved roses

It made no difference the color or the heritage

Whether they climbed or grew in a bush

She carefully tended each plant

As if it was a child, a baby

Needing nurturing to grow.

She’d buy several new plants each season

Dig the holes and line them with mulch

The roots would be unbound, then settled.

I wanted to be her rose

To be carefully tended

Nurtured, like the child I once was

I didn’t need her to buy me anything

But I yearned for her to create places

For me to learn, love and grow

I wanted her love

Needed her love

And cried when she didn’t deliver.