Education
Magic bullet
Gateway to stars
Door to continuous learning
Within easy reach
Requires some effort
Constantly yearning
Education
Magic bullet
Gateway to stars
Door to continuous learning
Within easy reach
Requires some effort
Constantly yearning
When I so desperately needed to lose weight, it hurt inside to watch friends devour delicious looking restaurant food while I nurtured my cup of low-calorie soup and a bland garden salad. I drooled over the thought of taking just one bite of Thai curry, but I knew I couldn’t. I read the description of its flavorful sauce over and over until it was as if I was tasting the savory sauce. But I was obese and didn’t get to eat things like that. At least not in public.
Whenever I purchased a bag of candy guilt would taint my cheeks red, even if the candy was meant for my husband. I’d cringe when the clerk scanned the bag, feeling as if she’s wondering why a fatso would buy candy in the first place. It would make me so angry that I’d want to rip open the bag before her, unwrap a piece, stick it in my mouth and chew, daring her to say something because people like me aren’t supposed to eat candy. At least not in public.
Almost every public toilet stall is quite narrow and the seats are so low that it’s hard to turn around, lock the door, pull down my clothes and lower myself. I wondered if architects only envision skinny people using them, not the obese. To be comfortable, truly comfortable, I’d use the handicapped stall, expecting and often receiving the evil-eyed looks given by those waiting in line. And then guilt would wash over me, knowing that “normal” people fit in “normal” stalls, which meant that something was wrong with me.
Not all fat people like being fat. Not all choose to eat themselves to death. Most don’t sit in front of televisions stuffing their mouths with bonbons. The biggest hurt is that many believe that fat people choose to be fat.
If only the scoffers knew the hours I put in at the gym. All the laps I’ve swum and the miles I’ve done on the elliptical and bike. All the weights I’ve lifted and the trainers I’ve hired and the steps I’ve climbed.
If only they sat with me to witness what I put in my mouth. The fruits and veggies. The limited amounts of carbs and “bad” sugars. To look at the white space on my plate and see that I often don’t finish that one helping.
Buying good-fitting clothes is next to impossible. Designers don’t cater to fat people. Beautiful styles are for the emaciated. Fat people are supposed to wear frumpy looking old-lady sacks that bunch in all the wrong places. Most fat people want to look nice. To wear clothes that feel good, that hang just right and sport fabulous colors.
Dressing rooms are not designed to make fat people look decent. Most are so tiny that fat people have to turn sideways to open and close the door. Seldom is there a chair of bench designed for the larger woman. What they do have are mirrors hung on three walls so that a fat person can see their naked body from all angles, in glorious detail, a reminder that they don’t belong in a dressing room pretending that they’re going to find something that fits.
Cars, airplanes, theaters and restaurants are designed so that fat people feel unwelcome. Try squeezing a fat body between arm rests and sitting there for hours. Imagine holding your arms across your body for the entire voyage so as not to encroach on your neighbor’s space. Imagine what it feels like when you see the expressions on people’s faces, hoping, praying that you aren’t going to sit next to them.
I’ve known I was big since I was three and saw a picture of myself standing next to my ninety-pound mother. I was so puffed up that I had folds at my wrists, ankles and elbows. My tummy stuck out like a barrel. I didn’t know the word fat then, but I learned it in kindergarten when my classmates called me fatty. When the neighbor kids invited me to play games in which, no matter what they called it, I had to stick my butt up high enough so they could laugh about the size of it.
I attended a Catholic school that required uniforms. Because we were poor, I wore the hand-me-downs from give-away day. Very few fit someone my size. My mom had to sort through the pile, hoping to find at least one for me. Usually what she found was stained and faded. I was teased for wearing old-style uniforms and for being fat. Picture tears running down my face.
In fifth grade, sitting next to a classmate during a mandated church service, I became aware of laughing to my left. When I turned my head, every girl in the pew had tucked their skirts under their thighs, making it quite clear that both of their legs were thinner than just one of mine.
In high school I was the fattest kid. Imagine undressing in front of dozens of thin girls, day after day. Imagine lining up, buck naked, to shower, waiting for the teacher to hand me a postage-stamp sized towel. The snickers echoed in my ears.
It didn’t matter that I was an excellent athlete. I could play almost any sport better than my peers. But when I had to run laps, I came in dead last, every time. Before the beginning of my sophomore year I run the track, around and around, stopping when it hurt too much to continue. My hope was to lose weight, to run faster. Did I do either? No.
I can’t count how many diets I’ve tried. Each time I had limited success, losing a tad of weight. But each time I’d reach a plateau from which I couldn’t descend. I later learned it was called yo-yo dieting, because I’d lose, some, gain some, over and over, making only minimal change.
It reached a point when I considered giving up. I was tired of the fight. I could no longer pretend that someday my body would look like other’s. I was frustrated with weekly weigh-ins that showed a loss of a fraction of a pound.
There was always a part of me that understood that, if a health issue arose that required losing weight, I’d find a way.
That time came about four years ago when I needed major surgery to remove my stomach from a large hole in my diaphragm. The surgeon, a kind and smart man, insisted I had to lose thirty pounds before he’d operate.
Getting rid of the persistent pain motivated me like nothing else had. I recorded every bite. I upped my exercise regimen. I lost weight.
Why did it work this time when all previous attempts had failed?
I think it was because I finally understood the toll my weight was taking on my body.
After the surgery I lost more and more weight.
I now fit in regular clothes. I’m no longer embarrassed to walk out on the pool deck.
I still watch what I eat, but I also allow myself a treat here and there.
I’d like to report that I am no longer the little fat girl, but inside of me that image lingers on. It’s what keeps me from pigging out when I really, really want that bowl of ice cream. Or makes me choose the lowest calorie item on the menu.
I think about giving up, but then I remind myself that I lost that weight once and can do it again.
Come for a visit, Grandma, please.
I want to sit upon your knees
and feel your arms around me tight
all afternoon and into the night.
You don’t have to bring me anything
like dolls, ponies, a pretty ring,
books, finger-paints, or fancy clothes.
I don’t really need things like those.
All I want is to feel your love
tightly around me like a glove
and snuggle deep into your arms.
My own special lucky charms
When can you come to visit me?
I’ll pray today, my eyes to see
your smiling face and comfy knees.
Come for a visit, Grandma, please!
There have been many times in my life when I fell, completely embarrassing myself in the process.
Every little kid falls, scraping elbows and knees, but not all land in such a way that her skirt flies up to her hips, exposing panties. I did that too many times to count.
One of my worst falls as an adult was on a skiing trip.
To begin with, I knew nothing about the sport, and since I don’t like being cold, intentionally going to a ski resort was the last thing I thought I’d ever try. I’d seen skiing on television, but never pictured myself barreling down a snow-covered slope with boards strapped to my feet. And to get there? I’d have to swing on a questionable-looking chair as it steadily climbed up the mountain. Not for me with my fear of heights.
But when I was home during the summer, I was bored and signed up for a class at the local community college. The purpose was to learn about skiing, but also to plan a trip. At no point was proper clothing discussed. Perhaps the instructor thought all of us had the right clothes, or would buy the right clothes. (I didn’t know you could rent those things!)
Anyway, I owned nothing that would keep a person warm in freezing temperatures. Why should I? I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area where we think it’s cold if the temperature drops below sixty.
Using the list provided, I went shopping. I was a poor college student from a low-income family. My parents couldn’t help, and I had limited funds. As soon as I began searching, I realized I couldn’t purchase suitable anything. The one thing I could afford was a pair of supposedly insulated rubber boots. I would have to make do with what I had.
On the designated Saturday, just before sunrise, I climbed aboard a yellow school bus, excited, yet at the same time terrified. I knew no one on the trip, so while excited conversation swirled around me, I was all alone. My only occupation was allowing my mind to drift as I stared out the window.
Shortly after the bus began to climb, the temperature inside the bus changed. It had gotten colder. When snow appeared along the side of the highway, my feet started tingling and my fingers stiffened. I wriggled them as best I could, but nothing helped.
Somewhere along the road we stopped for a bathroom break. The rustic building had no heat, the wooden toilet “seat” was frozen, and even when given time to walk about, I only got colder. I was miserable.
It was then that I realized that nothing I wore was sufficient for the trip.
Our bus went straight to a ski slope. Many of the passengers headed inside a nice, warm building where they rented equipment. I lacked such funds: couldn’t even rent a toboggan.
Everyone else took off amid excited conversation.
While I left the warmth of the building to brave walking about one my own. I loved the pure white snow, reminiscent of my younger days in Ohio. I smiled when I saw footprints, wondering what animal had made them.
When I got too cold, I discovered a lodge. I wanted something warm, but had no money, so I spent my time drooling over the hot chocolate others were drinking.
It was such a lonely, miserable existence, that I thought I’d never try it again, So, why did I? Because young adults don’t often remember misery.
A year or so later, some work friends convinced me that I’d really like to learn to ski. By now I had enough money to buy appropriate clothing. Not high-end, but sufficient. I figured I’d rent the rest of my equipment.
The drive was uneventful. We talked and laughed and as the miles sped by. My friends excitedly talked about what a perfect day it was, how blue the sky would be, how there was plenty of snow and musing that it wasn’t too cold.
They were right about almost everything. The one exception: they knew how to ski and I didn’t.
They gave me some basic instructions, showing me how to grab the rope to go up the bunny slope. Once at the top, they made sure I let go. Then they demonstrated some basic moves, such as to put my skis in a V-shape in to turn, slow down, and stop.
They went down the slope with me, once. Then disappeared.
I did pretty well. I learn quickly, I’m coordinated, and thought I had mastered the basics.
After a few trips down the bunny slope, I moved to the easiest chair lift. Getting on a chair while wearing skis is not easy. There’s a lot of timing involved. You’ve got to get into position as soon as the chair gets to the post. Then look over your shoulder while reaching for the bar. Then scoot onto the seat while the chair is moving.
The first time my butt had barely touched the boards and I was trying to hold tight to the side bars, feeling as if I was just a second away from falling off the moving chair.
The next time I did better, and each time after that it was a little bit easier.
The major problem was that my friends had not explained how to get off at the top of the lift. The first time up, I watched what others did.
It seems as if the idea was, that while the chair is moving, and as it gets lower to the ground, you jump off and ski out of the way before the seat bumps you in the back. When my turn came, that first time up, I managed to get off, but felt the the chair brush the back of my legs.
Each time, I got a little better, learning to position my skis in the direction I needed to go in order to get out of the way of the passengers on the next chair.
Each time I made it down the slope, I felt pride growing inside. And as I glided toward the waiting line, slowing ever so slowly. I felt a degree of pride.
I went back up, over and over, handling getting on and off. Skiing down.
But this time, with my skis in the v-shape, something went wrong.
I didn’t slow down. I saw myself getting closer to the waiting line, and not slowing down. I dug in my edges, and I still kept going. I’m sure my eyes got wider when I realized I was going to crash into the back of the kid at the end of the line.
I dug in even harder. I slide forward. I was helpless and knew it. There was nothing I could do to prevent hitting the kid. I bumped into his back, nearly knocking him down. I fell backwards, landing on my tailbone, feeling an excruciatingly painful crack.
The kid turned to me, all eight years of him, and said as he put his skis into that elusive V, “Lady, you stop like this.”
I was both humiliated and in such deep pain that I couldn’t get up. I was ever so grateful when a woman reached down and pulled me up. She brushed the snow off my back and asked if I was okay.
I wasn’t. I hurt so bad that even breathing caused excruciating pain. I managed to slide over to a sideways log, thinking that if I just sat for a bit, all would be well.
Bad idea. It didn’t work. Somehow, I removed my skis and mincingly walked them back to the rental shop. Once the skis and boots were gone, I decided to get warm inside the lodge. There were steps! When I finally got inside and I found a chair, I gingerly allowed myself to lower into the sear, but, oh, the pain!
The drive home was terrible. My tailbone hurt so bad that I had to lay down in the backseat of a VW bug. Not comfortable.
That night I couldn’t sleep. Between the intense pain and the recalled embarrassment of crashing into the boy, there was no chance of sleep.
The next day I went to work, but saw a doctor at the end of my shift. Nothing was broken, but I was badly bruised. I was given a blow-up pillow to sit on until it healed.
Despite that disaster, I did eventually ski again. I was never a pro, but I also never crashed into anyone again.
The lesson that I learned through all this is that sometimes it’s better to fall before you think you are going to hit someone.
This applies to all facets of life. Fall while you still have the strength of character to pull yourself up, brush yourself off and try again.
So many times, obstacles arise in our lives that at first appearance, seem insurmountable. There’s a temptation to give up, to walk way with downcast shoulders. But after a few steps, we turn around and take another look.
A stronghold appears, low enough to give us a boost, just enough to get started. We rush back, reach and grab, pull ourselves up. And when we bend our heads back, we see another and another. Bit by tiny bit, the top gets closer.
When I was a young teen, my primary goal was to move away from my dysfunctional family. I’d dream up a plan, but then millions of obstacles filled my mind, all convincing me that escape was impossible.
Until my family moved to California.
You couldn’t go online to research thangs back in the mid-sixties, but my new high school showed me a way out. Prominently displayed outside the counselor’s office was a notice about state scholarships for deserving, low-income students.
That possibility opened my eyes, lightened my heart, and put a bounce in my steps. All I had to do was maintain my straight-A grade point average to qualify. I knew I could do that, and if faced with a challenging class or grumpy teacher, I’d double down, study harder.
Every night after finishing my many household chores, I’d remove myself to my room and study, as late as I could. It did disrupt my sleep, but the window for escape kept me energized throughout the school day.
When it was time to apply, my counselor, on my request, submitted the paperwork. She cautioned me that I most likely won’t get the scholarship, telling me that I wasn’t “college-material”.
When the letter came, congratulating me on being a recipient, imagine how thrilled I was! It would pay full tuition to any college in California. I would still need money for room and board, books and other necessities.
There was a complication, however. My parents would only let me attend whatever college my brother chose. He’d be there to protect me, watch over me. Considering our rocky relationship, that’s the last thing I needed or wanted.
Since neither of my parents had gone beyond high school, they had no concept of how large a college campus was, how easy it would be for me to avoid my brother.
A huge obstacle overcome.
Over my next fifty years of life, I’ve attacked every roadblock presented, with determination despite struggles. Each time I succeeded made me stronger, made me who I am today: wife, mother, published author and more.
I’m sure more mountains will arise before me, but I will fight, climb, crawl, claw my way up and over.
I’ve never been the attention-seeking kind of person. You’d find me in the back of a classroom or off to the side in a meeting. I dreaded having to stand up and deliver a speech.
The night before, I wouldn’t sleep and the day of, I’d be so terrified I’d be sick to my stomach and shaking so hard my entire body trembled.
Yet for some reason I dreamed of being a teacher.
I knew that teachers stood in front of the classroom, after all, I’d sat in many growing up.
I knew that teachers spoke publicly and led discussions.
I knew that teachers performed for their students, joking, sometimes bursting into song, all to garner interest in the subject.
Teachers showed compassion for students, taking care not to humiliate even one. Or so I thought. Or so I convinced myself. And so a classroom was the one place where I felt safe.
That was my reasoning.
Later in life I decided to be a reader at my church. About once a month I stood before our small congregation and read the assigned portion of the Bible. At first, I was terrified, but each time developed a little bit more confidence. In time, I grew to love reading, loved imparting whatever passage I’d been assigned.
After forty years of reading, I ma no longer terrified of standing up there, reading.
A few times now I’ve been brave enough to read a 3-minute selection of something I’ve written at a conference. I’ve been terrified each time. I don’t like the attention, but understand that reading before an audience is what authors do.
Many years ago, I joined the church choir. Not because I was a fantastic singer, but because I loved singing. Alone. In my car.
It was with great trepidation that I stood, with friends, at the microphone for the first time. It wasn’t so bad. So I returned Sunday after Sunday. And then it got down to me and a talented teacher from the parochial school. Worrisome, but still okay because of her powerful voice.
One rainy winter day I arrived at church prepared to sing. Found out she wasn’t coming. I figured I’d join my husband and sing from a pew. Nope. The choir director insisted I stay. I sang softly, but I sang.
I stayed with the choir for years after that, lasting longer then several directors. It was always me and others. And then one director asked if I’d like to cantor the Psalm. This meant going up to the ambo and singing a solo before the congregation.
I was terrified, but continued to cantor for quite some time. I didn’t even quit when the pianist played the intro to a completely different Psalm. I froze, feeling like that deer-caught-in-the-headlights, and not having the words to her version before me, shrugged and sang what I’d been assigned. Because she was an excellent pianist, she quickly switched to support me.
I quit cantoring when a different choir director chastised me publicly for singing a tad off-key. He was right, of course, but it hurt. I walked out of rehearsal and refused to return even when my friends tried to tell me he was joking.
That was twenty years ago.
I stayed with the choir through Christmas because I really wanted to sing the Halleluiah Chorus. As soon as the concert was over, I handed in my song binder and walked away.
***
Fast forward a whole bunch of years.
I’ve returned to college to complete my BA in English. I’d the oldest student in every class. All that youthful confidence is intimidating. They all think they know everything and try to outshine one another during class discussion.
I’ve changed since I earned my teaching credential at Holy Names College.
You see, I want to learn, to hear what the professor has to say, to easily see the white board, so now I sit in the front row. I don’t ask a lot of questions or wave my hand about looking for recognition, but I know that I am seen because when my papers are returned, the professors always give me a smile or a nod.
There are still some situations when I prefer to sit off to one side, or just to the left of the instructor. It’s not that I don’t want to be seen, but I want to have an exit strategy in case the material presented isn’t interesting.
At my age, I reserve the right to sneak away.
To blend into the walls and carpet and move stealthily to the door.
At my age, I don’t crave the limelight, but I do love it when friends and family congratulate me on something I’ve done or said.
My name will never be on a marquee, but I’ve rejoined the choir, since we now have one. It’s only been for two Sundays, but I love hearing how my voice soars above the men’s, the alto standing next to me.
I love singing songs in praise of our Lord, those mainstays of any Catholic Mass.
If asked, I will never be the soloist cantor. Too much pressure, too hard on my nerves. I don’t need the attention, the accolades. At my age, I get to choose where I sit, how I participate, what I do and don’t do.
Simple thoughts for a Monday.
When delicious dreams dance
Through your sleepy cerebrum
Do you see ghosts galloping by?
Are angels announcing successful situations?
Or decidedly deadly demons destroying
Your timely treasure trove?
Might competing cherubim choruses clash
Creating unheavenly harmonies, or
Little leprechauns lustily leap through,
Waving windswept rainbows bending
Toward the lavish land?
When unlucky lions lust for
Momentous meals does your being believe
It’s treacherously true, or does
Righteous reasoning untangle gigantic gnomes
Grappling on your luscious lawn?
Carefree cats carouse in your yard
Delirious dogs dangerously stalk prey
As your heavy head haltingly falls back upon
Puffy pillows of dainty down.
Soldiers slash and burn buildings while
Crafty commanders shriek scrabbled sentences
Waving wicked wands that sprinkle sparkles
In the deepest, darkest night.
Vicious venomous vipers sizzle zooed zebras
Lounging lazily behind links while
Porcine pandas ponder bulky bamboo
Priests praise gods in unholy ululations
While communities corrupt into chaos
Rioting right through your lonely life
Mothers majestically cradle crying babies
Born in proud poverty while
Faith filled fathers find superior strength,
Saving all from untimely death
Logic, luckily leaves as soon as eyes
Close and delirious dreams drip
Drop by drop preparing paths for
Dream logic to wind its wicked way
Into your nightly nirvana.
Never can one predict what may emerge
When the eyelids languorously close and
Dream logic descends.
Driving home the freeway jammed
Even the diamond lane crammed
Cruise ships seeking safe repose
Passengers fighting off woes
Fingers white around the wheel
Hearts forgetting how to feel
Tunnels permanently blocked
Wooden doors steadfastly locked
Hopeless, dreamless, zombie-like
Pounding in the golden spike
Absolute sincerity
Wallows in simplicity
Disaster looms up ahead
Patterns melt the tangled thread
Revolutionaries sway
Blinkers indicate the way
Arterial trends emerge
Widens an expansive urge
Switching lanes has come too fast
Now forgetting all the past
Exit sign soon arises
Throwing off all disguises
Speeding in direction shown
Eager not to be alone
The early prophets tried to convince people that Jesus was not just a holy man, but God’s son. Jesus himself couldn’t do it, and his death on the cross changed very few minds.
There was nothing marking him as special, no visible birthmark of God’s hand, no halo encircling his head, no rays of light surrounding his body. But He was God’s son even though many chose, and continue to choose, to disbelieve.
Moving into the human condition, there ae many illnesses that are debilitating, that cannot be seen. People believe in cancer because they all know someone who’s contracted it. They’ve heard plenty about cancer in documentaries and news blurbs.
Blindness ranges in degree, from limited impairment to complete inability to see. Wearing thick lenses is an outward sign as is walking with a white cane or a seeing eye dog. But what about those who can see, whose eyes appear “normal” and so observers question the diagnosis.
Hearing impairments are often completely misunderstood and denied. Since the cause is inside the ear, the casual observer may doubt the loss, perhaps even going so far as to make fun of someone who’s speech is slurred due to an inability to hear consonants.
During a child’s educational years, deafness substantially impacts learning. If a student can’t understand what the teacher is saying, then he is missing chunks of instruction that cannot be made up through reading books.
There are probably many other “invisible” disabilities that people fail to take seriously, too many to detail in one tiny paper.
The COVID virus is one such illness. Because it can’t be seen, because it presents itself differently in each individual, a good portion of Americans don’t believe it exists. They refuse to get vaccinated, refuse to wear masks, refuse to test when ill, and refuse to isolate when they have a “cold” and cough.
It is because of these individuals that the virus is alive and well, constantly morphing into newer, more contagious versions of itself.
When you have a cold, you stay home, avoiding family gatherings. Or you should out of courtesy for family members.
If you’ve got the flu, you should stay in your bedroom so as to not give it to your immediate family.
But…people who refuse to believe in COVID, who don’t wear masks or get vaccinated, then blithely go out in public even when they’ve got a dripping nose and a cough, spread the virus to innocent individuals.
Perhaps they’re lucky to not suffer serious symptoms. Good for them. But what about their 80-year-old grandmother? What about the passenger sitting next to them on an airplane? What about the asthmatic child who could die?
If you don’t believe, then you don’t care.
COVID, for most, can feel a lot like the flu combined with a cold. But there are people who contract COVID and suffer miserably.
It cannot be seen. There are no pustules, no rash, no swelling that signals to others that a person is ill.
Scientists are confounded by COVID, as it doesn’t act like most viruses. Most people recover fairly quickly, but there are those deemed “long haulers” who suffer for months or even years.
The cause of that suffering cannot be seen, but it is there. Brain Fog, a symptom of COVID, impacts the ability to process words, both written and spoken. It affects retention as well as comprehension. Someone suffering from Brain Fog doesn’t look different from someone who isn’t. That doesn’t mean it’s a figment of the imagination: it’s very real. And debilitating.
Muscle fatigue is another invisible symptom of COVID. Again, it cannot be seen, yet for those experiencing it, it is incredibly real.
Taking a shower can be so taxing that the individual has to rest for hours. A walk around the block in a “flat” neighborhood can exhaust a sufferer for several days.
Yet on a new day the individual can swim laps, hike hills, use the treadmill.
Muscle fatigue can cause depression, especially among those who are normally quite active. Imagine being a marathon runner who gets tired walking in the house. Imagine swimming 30 laps one day and only being able to complete 10 the next.
Imagine being too tired to hold a book when you’re an avid reader. Or not being able to stand long enough to cook your family dinner.
Long COVID is as real as a hearing loss, cancer, the mumps or an upset stomach.
The disbelievers need to believe. They could be the ones who give the virus to someone who then suffers for months or years.
Is that the right attitude? To be so selfish as to not care about others? To be so deeply in denial that your lack of belief, lack of comprehension, lack of compassion can disrupt lives?
Believe. It is real.
there is only here and now
and the once was and the soon to be
the should be, the could be, the might be
joined together, past, present, and future
blending into seamless time
beginning at the beginning
stretching off into the eternity
marching in a straight line
from time before all records were kept
pointing to time unknown
dropped in, snuggled in, squeezed in
human beings alter the universe
irrevocably
jumping barriers
leaping across boundaries
in pursuit of dreams
quests for an unholy grail
chasing illusive butterflies of chance
that change predetermined destinies
altering time forevermore
some keeping meticulous track
of minutes
days
months
years
while others intentionally forget the done
glossing over the finished
as if brushing off flies
for by shedding the past
the future lies
untarnished
unblemished
shining bright as the star that led
the Magi to Bethlehem
in search of
the One who would be
the only here and now