Many Long Years

My path wasn’t always paved with smooth stones.

The bumps and crags caused me to stumble,

To veer away from my God,

Thankfully not for long.

Life would be good for a while

I’d pass a difficult class,

Date a nice man

But then an obstacle would rise up

It’s not that I forgot how loving God could be,

Or that I lost faith in His love.

I’d get lost in my own drama

Thankfully not for long.

I’d forget to look up

And enjoy the blue sky above.

Be mesmerized by the clouds floating by

Instead, I’d plod along lost in my sadness

.

I thought I had no one to turn to.

No one who’d care if I bared my soul.

Not one single person who’d dry my tears.

Thankfully it didn’t last for long.

When my world fell apart, dragging me into the depths

I’d wallow in misery, tears washing my face,

Blocking my vision so completely

That no joy, no hope could penetrate.

But then something wonderful happened,

My husband-to-be entered my world

And everything changed.

Thankfully for a good, long time.

He was there to bolster me up when

Sadness weighed on my shoulders.

He was there when I felt incompetent,

Incapable of succeeding in whatever I chose to do.

He showed me the blue sky, the clouds drifting by.

He held my hand and made me feel loved.

Together we laughed and smiled.

Thankfully for a good, long time.

He brought God into my life.

Together we’d pray, attend Mass,

Take classes to be better parents.

Walk with me when the path got bumpy.

He changed my life in so many ways.

And still does, all these years later.

He’s shown me unconditional love.

Thankfully for a good, long time.

My Soul Doth Magnify the Lord

I never believed those words,

From a psalm we sing at church,

Applied to me.

I was the outcast

The odd one out

The unlovable one, according to my parents.

I held onto hope

That something would happen

To change my life’s circumstances

But my thoughts

Barely made a dent

In where I was going.

All it took was a glimpse

Of a future filled with love

A future with the man who’d become my husband.

He taught me love

Love of family and home

Love of God who, does indeed, take care of my soul.

My eyes were opened

For the first time.

I saw a person deserving of love

A person who was intelligent

Capable, loving, and full of ideas

My vision was realigned.

I knew now that I didn’t have to see everything

That I didn’t have to have all the answers\

My God would be there, helping me along the way.

The Lord is greater than any worries I might have.

He’s louder than negative thoughts that fill my brain

He’s so strong that my weaknesses fall away.

He brings me hope, love, faith in myself

Amplified through Him and my husband.

My soul, does indeed, magnify the Lord.

Stripping Away the Old

Some women keep their maiden name when they marry. The reasons are varied, but deeply personal. Meanwhile, some hyphenate the combination of last names, which is another way to hang onto the maiden name.

Me, no. I hated my name because it identified me as a member of a dysfunctional family. A family in which I was ridiculed, harassed, tormented and belittled. As long as that name was mine, I couldn’t shed myself of that identity.

If I’d lived somewhere far away from my family, I might have felt differently, but when I returned home after college, everywhere I went someone knew my dad. And he was not a nice person.

My dad had a viscous temper and never forgot or forgave a perceived wrong. He’d been let go from a variety of jobs once typesetting jobs disappeared. He claimed each time that it wasn’t his fault, that so-and-so had done….something that he got blamed for.

You can believe it the first time, but not the second or third.

My family was big into bowling. We’d travel down the peninsula bowling in every alley, collecting Green Stamps, which was huge in the early 1970s.

If my dad’s score was high, he’d brag to everyone and anyone. When it was low, he’d complain loudly, blaming the slickness of the lanes, the “grease” that accumulated on his ball, the pin setting machine, anything but his own lack of skill that day.

In other words, my dad’s reputation got the entire family banned.

Being a Haack, carrying that easily remembered last name, caused me no amount of regret. Whenever I had to identify myself, I’d garner evil looks, threats to behave, or face an ouster from the facility.

Needless to say, I hated my name.

I was fairly naïve when still in my early twenties, so I knew nothing about the legal way to change names. I’d dreamt about it, but I didn’t know how to do it. I also feared my family’s wrath if I did so.

So when I fell in love, I knew that I’d take on my husband’s last name. Connelly is a million times better than Haack.

I wish I had also changed my first name.

Teresa was a dolt, a stupid kid who didn’t know anything when she started school. Teresa was a shy, easily humiliated kid who carried her family’s torments on her shoulders. Teresa was an unlikable, obese little girl who hid in her desk, even up to and throughout high school.

My friends called me Terry, but there were few of them. I wasn’t allowed to go to other kids’ houses and no one could come to mine. I never invited anyone over, and for good reason.

First, I knew my mother wouldn’t approve. Second, my family was an embarrassment. Temper explosions happened regularly, with no rhyme or reason. If I did have a friend over, there was an excellent possibility that she’d witness a scene that would soon be all over the school.

I discovered that I could be both Teresa and Terry. Teresa was my formal identity: used for signing checks and legal documents. It was how I was known at work, which, in my mind, gave me a sense of authority when I knocked on doors collecting delinquent federal taxes.

Terry was my real identity. Terry went backpacking. Terry went skiing, camping, on car rides with her one friend. Terry attended concerts and dressed in the casual clothes she loved.

Marriage gave me permission to carve out a new identity. I could be Terry Connelly, an interesting wife and mother, a person who returned to college to pursue her teaching credential, a dream she’d held for years.

Terry Connelly was the treasurer for the Parent’s Club at her kids’ school, a mistake as she hated finances, but she kept accurate books. She was an officer in the Womens’ Guild, eventually being elected President.

She was a preschool teacher, then taught elementary. She returned to college to get a degree in Physical Education, then switched to Special Education.

Teresa could never have done that. Once she was in a program, she stayed for fear of failure.

It’s amazing the difference a name makes.

Where one holds you down, the other can set you free.

Shedding a hated name was the most wonderful thing I’d ever done.

“Brain Fog” While Writing

Those who has suffered COVID-19 often experience what scientists refer to as “Brain fog”. It’s not a medical condition, but rather a set of symptoms that, according to WebMd, affect your ability to think, cause a sense of confusion and make it difficult to focus or put thoughts into words.

Harvard Health describes it as a feeling of being sluggish, fuzzy or generally not sharp.

            Brain Fog covers a wide range of symptoms, including poor concentration, feeling confused, thinking more slowly than usual, being forgetful, and suffering mental fatigue. According to the NHS, it can feel similar to sleep deprivation or even stress, but is not the same as dementia.

            I recently contracted COVID after a trip to Arizona to spend time with a good friend.

            I’d had difficulty breathing when I boarded the plane to fly home, so was unable to keep my mask on. I understood the risk I was taking, but I was fully vaccinated, with all but the most recent booster in my arm.

            Four days later I joined friends for a wonderful lunch. I felt perfectly fine or I wouldn’t have gone. I enjoyed lunch, eating every bite of my Napa Cabbage salad. It tasted as delicious as usual.

            After lunch, we strolled through beautiful Benecia, enjoying our time together.

            On the drive home, within about twenty minutes of saying goodbye, congestion began. By the time I got home an hour later, it hurt to breathe, my head was completed stuffed and I wasn’t thinking clearly.

            I’d had COVID once before, so I knew the symptoms. I gave myself the test: it came back positive.

            I alerted my friends, emailed my doctor, then collapsed on the couch under a nice, warm blanket.

            I lived there for several days.

            I am not a patient person. I don’t like to sit still for too long unless I am deep in the writing process. I go to the gym nearly every day, working out for close to an hour each time. Once a week I hike up and down steep hills with a friend and on Fridays I walk the neighborhood with my husband.

            Late mornings and early afternoons I write. Every day.

            That’s my routine.

            But when COVID hits, my only thought is to bundle up. For a while. Then I have to get up and check out the symptoms, to see if there’s been improvement.

            This bout of the virus was particularly devastating. I experience a ton of symptoms, from the expected fatigue, slight fever, loss of taste and smell. But the meds they gave me to fight the virus caused a bad taste in my mouth that lasted for the length of the treatment.

            There was sleeplessness and an intense physical fatigue that still plagues me. I’m good for about thirty minutes of slow walking, and that’s it.

            I love working jigsaw puzzles, but found I couldn’t concentrate on putting together pieces.

            I had photos from a recent cruise to upload: I accidentally deleted four that there’s no way to borrow from the Internet.

            Most devastating was my ability to write.

I’ve been in the process of editing a novel that an agent requested. I’d made it to the halfway mark and was feeling quite positive about the changes I’d made.

COVID hit, and I could barely read the words through my blurred vision. My eyes burned and stung like a bad allergic reaction, causing pain whenever I tried to read.

The worst part was Brain Fog.

I could read a sentence, but not remember what I’d read. I could see what needed to be changed, but would make stupid typos that ruined the piece.

Incomplete sentences, missing letters, dialogue that made no sense.

I’d work on a few pages when I was strong enough to sit, then the next day have to edit those same pages. And then the next day repeat. And so on.

The fog is beginning to lift. After all, I am writing this, right? But does it make sense? Is my grammar okay? Did I use sentences and correct word endings?

I’ve made a conscious decision to leave this piece as it is, in the hopes that someone will read it and understand.

I know people who’ve made a choice not to get vaccinated. That’s fine as long as their circle of friends doesn’t mind.

As long as they confine themselves to a like minded circle of acquaintances that feel the same.

But…as soon as that person walks into my world, the world of an older woman who has chronic asthma, then that person’s decision impacts my health, my life.

And that’s not right.

Our decisions shouldn’t cause adverse harm to others.

Choosing to not vaccinate against a virus that’s killed over a million Americans affects me, children with lowered immune systems, those struggling against diseases such as cancer, and anyone over a certain age.

Brain Fog is very real.

For someone who loves words, having them stolen from you because of someone’s callous disregard to vaccination, seems almost criminal.

And then there’s the fact that my breathing infected air had on my friend!

There’s a circle of contacts that each of us has. Our closest friends and family are most impacted by viruses and diseases we contract.

As the layers of circles expand, there is less and less possibility of us infecting those in the outer rings.

But, that day I spent time in a tiny local bookstore. I spoke with the waitress. I used the restaurant’s utensils. I strolled through several cute stores, looking at merchandise. I bought two unique cookies at a tiny bakery. And before hitting the freeway, I used the restroom at McDonald’s where I then ordered a soda.

Although I felt fine, I was spreading germs like crazy.

I wonder how many I infected? Is the owner of the book store okay? What about the nice clerk at McDonald’s?

I can’t spend time worrying about them: all I can do is take care of me.

The Fog is slowly dissipating, but the effects, according to the sources I checked, might linger for several weeks. And if I get long-term COVID, they might persist for months or even years.

Please, for the sake of those you might not know, toss off your resistance to vaccination. Get the boosters. Don’t go out if you have a cough. Test yourself often. Be kind to yourself, but most importantly to those you might not know.

A Different Kind of Bravery

By nature I am not a brave person. Put me in a room with unfamiliar people and I cannot speak. I don’t embrace change and am incredibly happy living my life.

Yet when I think back over the years, a number of events arise in which I had to fight against my nature and be brave.

As a young child I preferred my own company, so going to school was a frightening experience. As the years passed I did not get braver, but I did learn how to function within the system. And I did it on my own. No teacher, no school counselor helped me negotiate the ins and outs of school. Because I kept to myself, I did so without the benefit of friends.

So going off to college required a tremendous amount of bravery.  This was a new experience in a foreign environment. I was terrified. But as time passed I made a few friends.

Finding a job scared me. It meant entering unfamiliar places, approaching unfamiliar and often cold people, and facing repeated rejection. Once I did get hired, there was the problem of working in a new environment with strange people.

I would like to think that age has brought me confidence, but it hasn’t. What it has given me is the understanding of myself and the ability to move into new places despite the terror that such things create.

It also helps that I am blessed with a husband who encourages me to step outside my box and go out into the world. Because of him I travel, write, and sing. Because of him I get out of the house and join clubs, go to luncheons and meet up with friends.

Sometimes I wonder how different I might have been if there had been someone like him in my life from the first time I ever left the house as a child.

Because of my husband I am learning to be brave.

                A Dream of Peace

I dreamt that I traversed the sands of time

to a place mysterious and sublime.

Where gigantic trees with branches stout,

safely nestled all feathered friends about,

providing shelter from many foe,

yet allowing freedom to come and go.

Silky soft leaves whose gentle caress

becalms restless souls, soothes with fine finesse

young and old alike; no bias here

where all live in peace for many a year.

Through the sands a winding river ran

giving sustenance to both beast and man.

Surprisingly blue with not a trace

of sinister longings upon its face.

It speaks of a sweet love; it calls to me,

“Step right in,” it says, “ and I’ll set you free

from all that ails; as well sin and pain.

You have nothing to lose, but much to gain.”

With tremulous step I slowly crept

into her warm, comforting arms.  I slept.

Or thought I did, for there soon appeared

hosts of angels. I panicked, afeared

of my demise. But to my surprise

they lifted me on high with joyous cries.

The night did end. My dream soon left.

The suffering world found me quite bereft

and yearning for that heavenly place

whose welcoming arms did me quick embrace.

One thing alone I brought home with me:

knowledge that all men could soar high and free

seeking truth, wisdom, righteousness, and grace.

making earth a truly heavenly place.

Changing the Bed

Mindlessly, I pulled the pillows off the bed

Thinking about what my husband had just said

About feeling adrift in a world gone mad

Fighting over things that folks once had had

Pillowcases not so gently tossed aside,

My mind roamed to all those soldiers who had died

Fighting against the wind in lands far away

Laundry on a line, too tightly bound to stray

The plaid coverlet dumped carelessly on the floor

Landed, with aplomb, blocking the bedroom door

So many paved paths deadlocked by tragedy

Murdered teens drowning in the filth of the city

Layer by layer I stripped my place of rest

As if preparing for a traveling guest

Who’d put alterations in my troubled brain

Inspiring change, much like a runaway train

It came to me, then, the trouble we are in

Referred back to when the world began to spin

Dirt drifted down, quickly tarnishing the soil

Sturdy stains from which all men would recoil

Yet, like drawn to the fire of a brand new day

Cleansing ideas floated in with the sway

Influencing hearts to always seek the truth

Strive to avoid the repulsively uncouth

Gathering the detritus of my hard work

I realized that there is one mammoth perk

When assembled together, my bed will please

Only then did I relax: my mind at ease 

               Despair

Crispy, crunchy bits on the floor

Remnants of what was once me

Speak in sequestered voice

Whispers for none to hear

Memories masked in flimsy gauze

Distort into moaning miseries

Slices of soul oozing through my eyes

Trek along determined trails

Hollowness hails each morning

Darkness so deep that no light gleams

Heaviness haunts my limbs

Paralyzes rational thought

No hope, no light

Nothing but everlasting midnight

Covers my heart

Entrapped in cement, I wail

           A Grain of Sand

Nothing more than a grain of sand

one among a cast of millions

arose and accepted the burdensome

yoke of humanity, the drudgery of life,

the pains, torments, tears, and fears

until love entered his heart.

Nothing but a tiny grain of sand

now filled with a woman’s love

beaming broader than the sun,

wider than the Milky Way

standing tall, strong, proud, and fearless

with her vision in his mind.

Nothing but a proud grain of sand

knelt by her side, making his

wishes known, the dreams of his soul,

the secrets of his heart,

the projects, plans, ideas, and thoughts

searing his vision.

Nothing but an exultant grain of sand

stood with his love at the altar

pledging faithful love, devotion,

a lifetime of togetherness,

trials, tribulation, joys, tears

traveling the path of marriage.

Nothing but two grains of sand

forged through the world

casting aside the millions to

focus on the other, the others that

they create, the little ones, children,

loins of our loins and loves of our love,

for now and forever. Amen.

Solo Traveler

            I hated traveling with my family. In fact, going anywhere with them was grounds for potential disaster on the emotional scale.

            My mom would criticize everything my dad did, and that I did or did not do. She protected my siblings from my dad’s wrath, but would set me up for punishment, deserved or not.

            My first solo trip was a backpacking outing organized by the community college I was attending. I was ill-prepared with the wrong equipment, clothes and fitness level, but I didn’t know all that until we began climbing a never-ending hill.

            I was scared because I didn’t know anyone, even the young woman whose tent I shared. I talked to no one, but then, no one spoke to me either. What I did enjoy was freedom from criticism, endless arguments, and constant put-downs.

            That excursion taught me that I could, indeed, function on my own.

            When I left for college, I traveled with my brother as my parents wouldn’t let me go alone.

            What they didn’t know, couldn’t have predicted, was that once on university grounds, I cut the cord to my brother and struck out on my own. Without fear of reprisal, I made a few friends. I dated a black man who I really liked, but at around the same time we both realized that neither of us could bring the other home.

            After him, a handsome Hispanic man asked me out. Jorge was smart, easygoing, and pleasant. I did bring him home for one of the breaks, but that didn’t go over well. We remained friends even though my parents had treated him poorly.

            As I grew older, I began doing more and more things independently. I joined an on-campus religious group just so I could go on the retreat into the mountains. I found the eye clinic on campus and volunteered to try out new contacts. I loved how I looked without the thick glasses frames my parents made me wear!

            During summers, I found on-campus jobs that provided housing and meals. The independence was intoxicating.

            I traveled to Yosemite and Marin County with a date, spent a weekend at his parent’s home and even flew to Minnesota during winter break to see him!

            When I ran out of resources and jobs, I had no choice but to move back into the family home, placing me under the microscope once again. I saved and saved until I could buy a car (the dealership made me get my dad’s signature! God, I hated that.). After car, I began investigating apartments.

            Once again, I saved until I had the necessary deposit. When I locked that door behind me, I was able to breathe. I could stay up as late as I wanted, get up when I wanted, eat what I wanted, swim in the pool or sit out on my tiny balcony, whenever I wanted.

            You don’t understand how intoxicating it is to be free unless you’ve never lived under a microscope.

            My husband and I have been traveling for several years now. Most of the people we meet are couples of some kind, married or not, makes no difference. But we’ve also met solo travelers.

            I admire them so much! I doubt that I would have gone on a cruise by myself. Or hiked around Europe on my own. Or driven cross-county just because I could. My parent’s constant belittling had convinced me that I lacked the intelligence, wherewithal and basic knowledge to keep myself safe.

            As a teacher, back when there was money, I often traveled to attend conferences and on one occasion, to recruit potential teachers. I flew or drove by myself, arranged my own hotel, ate by myself and in the evenings, watched what I wanted!

            Each trip strengthened my ability to travel solo.

            While I missed my husband and would have loved someone to share ideas with, being on my own was incredibly intoxicating.

            As we get older, more and more of us will be on our own. We’ll be solo travelers, negotiating our way through life. We’ll need to understand finances, balancing budgets, logical planning, and how to get the most for our bucks.

            The thing is, we can do it. We can travel alone. We can make decisions. We can talk to total strangers or be content inside our own heads.

            Many of us will need practice to get there. I built my confidence by taking small trips, perhaps just over to San Francisco for a conference. Or driving down to Monterey or up to Sacramento. I navigated unfamiliar highways, slept in hotels chosen by the conference, ate by myself when meals weren’t part of the package.

            I learned not to fear aloneness. I now embrace it, enjoy it, lavish in it, even though I know that my husband is waiting for me back home.

            The thing is, I might outlive him. If that happens, I will be traveling alone. I won’t like having him gone, but I know that I can and will be okay as a solo traveler.