Being a Teacher

            When I was placed in Kindergarten, I didn’t much care for my teachers. They seldom helped me, instead giving me very simple tasks such as coloring shapes with the correct crayon, cutting on dotted lines or tracing letters and numbers. Granted, those were the skills I most needed, but it was humiliating when I saw what my classmates were doing: learning to read and do math.

            What I did like about school was that it was a safe environment. No adult ever spanked me, shook me, threatened me with anything more serious than losing playground time. For the most part, until high school, most teachers acted as if I wasn’t in the room. I could sit in my desk all day without the teacher ever looking over my shoulder.

            When asked what I wanted to be, clear up into high school, my response was always, teacher. Teachers were sort of like heroes to me. They gave off an air of authority without, for the most part, threatening violence. There was an occasional crack of a ruler on my desk when I wasn’t paying attention, and I think only once, being sent to stand in the corner.

            Only one high school teacher seemed to care about me, Mr. K, my math teacher. He was kind, patient, and saw my innate mathematical skills. In other classes I feared going to the chalk board, but in Mr. K’s classes, it seemed like an honor. Why? He normally only asked me up there after several of my classmates had tried to solve an equation and failed.

            When I applied to college, I did so as a potential math major. Not to teach, however, but to be a statistician.  I liked working with numbers, but not with people. It seemed like an ideal job for me.

            All that changed during my junior year when the Department Chair called me to his office. He asked what I was doing there, and accused me of only choosing a major in math so I could find a husband. He insisted that I change my major.

            Since I was on a full scholarship that only covered four years, I didn’t have time to switch to a new major. Unless I chose one based on the number of completed credits I already had. That’s how I got a degree in Russian Languages and Literature. I didn’t see myself as a college professor or writing the new Russian novel. The only possibility that came to mind was working as a translator.

            When that fell through, and I had to find a job, quickly, I applied for anything that didn’t require impressive typing skills. I finally got hired by the IRS and made a nice career out of it, even though I hated every minute of every work day.

            When our first child was born, I knew nothing about little kids. I found a Parent-Child Education class being offered by the local Recreation Department. I learned music, art, dance, singing and activities of all kinds. It was fun, but intimidating when my turn to lead the class came on the rotation.

            I decided to apply to the community college to earn an AA degree in Childhood Education. I complete the program, got a job in the Rec. Dept. teaching Tot Time. There were ups and downs. Ups happened when the kids did what I asked and seemed to be having fun while they learned. Downs were when a snaked invaded my classroom or when a kid soiled themselves or threw up on themselves or on the equipment.

            The job became boring after just a few years.

            I then decided to earn an Elementary Teaching Credential. My sister-in-law paid my tuition, at the college where she worked. Some of the classes were fun, such as teaching PE or designing bulletin boards. Some were incredibly boring, such as the pedagogy of learning, phonics and writing lesson plans.

            After graduation I got hired at a Catholic Elementary where I taught for four years. This was my dream job, something I’d wanted since I graduated with my BA in Russian.

            The first three years were amazing. The fourth, the principal decided she wanted to push out all the older teachers, so she made my life miserable. I left.

            The next several years were ones of fruitless search. I discovered that all the PE teachers in my district were aging. I began work on a PE credential, but got bogged down when it was mandatory to referee a college-level soccer game.

            I kept getting sub jobs in Special Education classes as there was a chronic shortage of qualified teachers. I knew nothing about Spec Ed, but there was a need and I felt I could fill it.

            Back to college I went and after completing only six credits, I was hired.

            I experienced some difficult kids, but obnoxious parents. My Director of Special Education supported me, listened to me, stood by me. There was no established curriculum, so I had to devise my own, a combination of 4th and 5th grade subject-matter.

            I went to conferences, workshops and all types of sessions, learned something at each.

            At the end of those four years, I wanted something more.

            Back when I entered university to get my first credential, I weighed the differences between elementary and secondary curriculums. I felt as if I had no strengths in any of the subject taught at the high school level, but I could be the teacher of this and that. That’s why I chose elementary.

            A position opened up at the high school. My elementary school was getting a new principal, someone who had no idea what I had been doing and didn’t care as long as I kept my students out of her office. It was time to go.

            Little did I know that teaching high school Special Education students was the career I should have been pursuing.

            For 23 years I taught ninth and tenth grade English and an occasional Social Studies class.

            I loved those teenagers, offered them respect, treated them with dignity and challenged them to push themselves academically. Some did improve their reading and writing skills quite a bit over the two years they sat in my classes. Most improved somewhat, and very few made no progress whatsoever.

            In a rather roundabout way, I pursued my dream job. I did become a teacher. I did love what I was doing. I did enjoy going to work.

            Many of my high school students had unrealistic dreams, such as becoming a famous actor when they were too shy to speak in class. Or playing professional football when they didn’t get much field time during games. I even had one who wanted to be an airplane pilot when he had no control of his legs.

            We all need dreams. Dreams are what motivate us to move forward. Realistic dreams can become true, leading us to fulfilling lives.

            I learned to pursue, to never give up even when faced with challenges, to be open to change and to accept opportunities that had never popped into my brain!

Self-Made Image

            A song on the radio made a huge impact recently. The premise is that we remake ourselves as we grow, learn and explore. I have definitely done that.

            I was an abused child. Both of my parents beat me, humiliated me, isolated me from my peers. My older brother pinched me, kicked me and called me names. My younger sister mocked me, taunted me and regularly lied to my parents, accusing me of hurting her and then smirking as severe punishment was inflicted upon me.

            If I had been asked to measure my self-esteem, it would have been a big, fat zero. I believed myself to be not just stupid, but an idiot. I was told that I was incapable of succeeding in anything, I am believed it.

            Nevertheless, I was expected to receive the highest marks on all my work. Or be punished.

            It didn’t make sense: if I was stupid, how was I going to get those grades?

            Fear of punishment motivated me to study, study, study.

            Despite being the invisible student in the room, I somehow pleased my teachers. I couldn’t speak in a loud enough voice to be heard, but when called to go up to the board, I excelled.

            I set goals for myself at a young age, goals that my family said were impossible for me to achieve.

            The only place where I felt safe was at school. I was scared of my teachers, afraid I’d disappoint them, but I revered them so much that I yearned to be them.

In high school I tried out for badminton, bowling, basketball and softball. I was the top badminton player in the school. I was good enough to be on the best bowling team.

Despite my short stature, I was a great defender in basketball, primarily due to my sharp eyes and quick hands. Softball was the exception: I was terrified of the huge ball, and even though I could easily send a hardball soaring, I couldn’t get the softball too much beyond the pitcher’s mound.

I had begun changing my self-image from the incapable idiot to a surprisingly good athlete.

My grades were good enough to earn a state scholarship that paid 100% of tuition at any college in California.

This surprised my counselor. She had called me into her office before the scholarships were announced to tell me that I’d never graduate from college and that I should be looking for a job.

I was determined to prove her wrong. At the end of my first semester at the community college, I made an appointment with the counselor to show her my grades. I was gloating. I love watching the surprise on her face.

When I was finally allowed to leave home for college, I now had the opportunity to take charge of my life. I shared a room in the dorm, which was my only restriction. I could eat whenever and whatever I wanted.

I chose my classes and professors. I stayed up late studying. I found people like me who welcomed me.

I dated. Tried to join a sorority, but didn’t like the wealthy, stuck-up girls.

I got contacts at the university’s vision clinic. They hurt and I was terrible at sticking them in my eyes, but for the first time since I got glasses in fourth grade, I didn’t feel like a freak.

I made my skirts and pants in modern lengths and styles.

As best as I could despite being poor, I tried to look like my peers.

I went to football games, I got an on-campus jog watching the desk at a residence hall. I was in charge of others for the first time in my life.

On a walk across campus, I heard music that drew me in. It came from the Neumann Center, during a Catholic Mass. Something about the guitars, drums, piano and other instruments, plus the joyous music spoke to me. I began spending more and more time there, even going on several retreats with them. Religion took on a new meaning. It was no longer about fear and punishment, but love.

The most difficult part of my journey was when I had to return home after graduation. Once again, I was subjected to the emotional and physical abuse of parents and siblings. I was a young woman who was treated as if she was a not-very-bright child.

My goal was freedom.

First I had to get a job. That wasn’t easy. Back in the late 1970s, women were expected to work in offices, teach or be a nurse. I had no office skills and couldn’t stand being around sick people.

I wanted to teach, but had no money to pay for college. And, there was a glut of teachers looking for jobs.

I got a good job with the federal government doing something that I had no interest in and no skills at knocking on doors and demanding back taxes. But, I made a career out of it in order to first, buy my own car.

Having transportation meant that I could escape. As soon as I had enough money, I wanted to buy a car. But…I had no credit history so my dad had to cosign. He wouldn’t let me buy the car I wanted, instead insisting I get a Ford Pinto. I rebelled by choosing the ugliest one on the lot.

Next was an apartment. As I drove about as part of my job, I kept an eye out for available apartments. I visited rental offices. In time, I narrowed down my search to a nice complex in San Bruno. It was close to the freeway, a requirement so that I could drive into San Francisco for work.

Moving into my tiny studio allowed me to be free! My parents no longer had any say over my life. If I did see them and they became abusive, I could leave.

I had reinvented myself as a self-supporting woman, one who was successful enough to have her own car and apartment.

From then on, my self-image morphed almost continuously.

I was a successful government employee. I oved into the teaching component, where I led studies in tax collection.

I met the most marvelous man in the San Mateo office, who is still my husband 49 years later.

I added wife and then mother to my resume. I didn’t know how to mother, and especially didn’t want to be a replica of my own mother. The local recreation department offered classes in parenting. From them, I learned how to teach my own kids, how to come up with activities, how to offer support and encouragement.

It wasn’t always easy and I made mistakes, but I tried to learn from each.

When my kids got older, I returned to college to earn an AA degree in Early Childhood Education. I loved the coursework.

Then I transferred to Holy Names College where I completed an Elementary Teaching Certificate.

When I did get hired, I put in long hours on curriculum, bulletin boards, grading. I wanted to be an excellent teacher, for my students, yes, but also to prove to myself that I could.

By the ripe old age of forty, I was an entirely different person from the shy, frightened kid that started elementary school.

I have continued to work on my self-image, even as an older woman.

I do what I want to do when I want to do it. I am in charge of my life. I have a loving, supportive husband who had encouraged me to explore a variety of interests.

I am proud of who I am today.